2024: A Year of Loss, Growth, and Finding Gratitude
New Year's Eve is a classic time when people reflect upon the year and think about their goals and aspirations for the next. Personally, 2024 was a doozy for me. It was a year full of immense heartbreak and grief, grief I am still navigating. It's difficult to think about the accomplishments and achievements I had when eight months of the year felt unbearable. Most of the year feels like a blur, and I fear I end the year without anything to show for it except a new sense of dark humor.
Last night, I was able to spend some time with my feelings. Crying on the couch in my NYC apartment, I felt the weight of the grief of the loss of my dad heavily in my chest. I decided to open the wound further and visit The Sun Chronicle's website, a local newspaper in Attleboro, MA. My dad was an editor and columnist for the paper. I felt compelled to search for KESSLER. With a quick search, hundreds of articles popped up on the page, including articles my dad had written.
After several hours of skimming the headlines, I found myself clicking on different articles he had written throughout the years in the paper. I was surprised to find myself smiling and laughing at older articles. My dad wrote a lot about my family and me growing up. Personal information that my mom did not like out to the local community in public then. There were times I also felt like my privacy was evaded. Now, I wouldn't change a thing. Reading the articles gave me a sense of comfort, a presence that is forever engraved in the digital world, something I can always have and cherish. The articles were stories of my family and me, his involvement in the community, and his passion for baseball and storytelling. I felt myself relearning different things about my dad and reminiscing upon much simpler times.
I knew I was lucky to have a father who was full of love. He showed that to my mom, sister, and me through words, gestures, and kindness throughout the years. While reading the articles, I realized how much love he also had for the community. He cared deeply about the people in his life.
Memories are a funny thing. Everyone has their own experiences. A great memory of my dad was when he threw the ceremonial pitch at the Pawtucket Red Sox, now known as the Woo Sox game. I found an article my dad wrote about it. At the time, my family and I were getting on his case for trying to throw a ball that far. I didn't realize until now that he was still grieving his father, my grandfather. My grandfather and I shared a love for baseball, specifically The Boston Red Sox. This moment was huge for my dad, and looking back, I can only imagine how proud he felt for himself and his own dad. He got a lot from his dad, just like I got a lot from mine.
One of the things I inherited was my sense of worry. In a recent article, my dad wrote about his worrywart tendencies.
My dad wrote, "Ironically, it was the pandemic that put an end to so many activities that helped me realize it was important to overcome my worrywart tendencies."
Ironically, for me, it was his death that made me fully understand that life is not that serious and that this is the time to really enjoy it. As someone who has constantly pushed me to want to achieve everything, spreading myself a little too thin by trying to accomplish everything, I am settling with the idea that a good life, a life for me, is by being surrounded by good company and taking things day by day. Goals are good, and ambition is needed, but recognizing where you are today is okay, too.
I have once again found my dad humbling me from another place. Even through the tumultuous times, life still goes on.
So, as the year ends, rather than sulking and waiting for the clock to hit midnight, I'd like to take some time to recognize the good things still here with me on this earth.
My mom and sister: Sometimes, I catch myself rolling my eyes at something they say or do. That will continue now and then. It's a normal family dynamic or even a dynamic between anybody. But man, I really appreciate them—their support, their strength, and the memories we will continue to make as a family.
Good friends: They are hard to come by. Life is challenging for everyone. I know I am not the only one who had a hard year. I am lucky to have some amazing friends in my corner, people who have checked in on me regularly and pushed me to keep going even when I felt like I couldn't. To those friends, thank you for your grace and understanding. I appreciate you more than you can know.
My health: Life is full of unknowns. While there are days that feel mentally taxing, I am grateful to have good health and to have the opportunity to continue working on different fitness goals. I take it for granted too often.
The ability to just be: I am in a transitional period right now. While exploring different career paths and figuring things out, I feel lucky to have a moment like this to catch my breath. I am not settled by anything or anyone, and I have this time just to be.
This year, I celebrate the small comforts and the pillars that help us endure.
Happy New Year
Love,
Ari
