My Top Book Choice of 2023
Contains spoilers
Kelly - thank you for the book recommendation.
I read various books this year, ranging from fantasy and poetry to self-improvement. One particularly stood out of all the books I have read this year. Ranking number one on my list of the year was Vienna Pharaon’s book, The Origins of You: How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love.
Vienna Pharaon is a licensed marriage and family therapist who believes our past creates our relationships within ourselves and others. The book teaches you how to break family patterns and help you live freely. To live freely, Vienna encourages us to tap into our origin wounds. She introduces us to five wounds: worthiness, prioritization, belonging, safety, and trust.
Throughout the book, Pharaon teaches us which wound is most identifiable within ourselves and others and shares invaluable ways to rewire our habits and behaviors for a healthier present and future.
Overall Thoughts
I liked this book a lot. A lot of the anecdotes Pharaon shares are relatable. She prefaces in her introduction that there is more than one path forward. Her words show that even though she shares experiences and personal sentiments, she also acknowledges that there are other ways to heal, but this could be one way.
“I believe there are many paths forward as there are humans walking this earth. But what I do know to be true is that when I started to explore my origin stories through the lens of my family system, my way of being and existing started to make sense, and healing became an offering I could accept.” - Vienna Pharaon.
I enjoyed how the book was structured. It’s broken into four parts:
Our Roots
Our Wounds and Their Origins
Changing Relationship Behaviors
Your Reclamation
Each section has subsections that are carefully written through the tales of her own and others, sharing their deepest and most vulnerable memories. There are subsections I resonated with deeply. As much as I wanted to read it in one sitting, I took my time through this book. Taking the time to read each subsection a night allowed me to take the time to process what Pharaon wrote. The subsections I didn’t fully identify with helped clarify other behaviors I have noticed in others. It reminded me that everyone is going through something, and we all want to come out the other end.
I also liked that Pharaon allows us to learn about changing our relationship behaviors. To dive into our emotional truths and find ways to share our needs more productively for everyone involved.
Takeaway
After learning about the different wounds, I realized that I have multiple wounds to tend to. But the wounds that Phraron touches upon intertwine. That’s why various people have multiple wounds.
One wound that stuck out to me the most was the trust wound. I annotated a lot throughout that subchapter.
“ Trust can be ruptured through inconsistency, lies, betrayal, and abandonment. And as we know, once trust is lost, it can feel nearly impossible to regain it and trust again.” - Vienna Pharaon.
Upon reading the title of the wound, I didn’t think this was one of the primary wounds I would relate to. I always thought I trusted people (a little too much). After reading how someone with a trust wound copes, I realize I have much more in common than I would like to admit.
Someone with a trust wound can cope by looking over their shoulder, testing others, closing themselves off and becoming invulnerable, and getting as close to others as quickly as possible. They may act hypervigilant and sabotage relationships.
The book made me think about myself a lot. I thought about my childhood and where I came from. I also thought about my interaction with others. Pharaon allows the reader to provide examples by prompting us with questions and filling in the blanks. While I admittedly did not participate in the meditation portion, the questions and filling in the blanks were helpful. It allowed me to identify how I have reacted to previous situations and what I truly want and need.
I continued to reflect throughout this subchapter. This portion also dives into attachment styles based on the Strange Situation Study. The study assessed a child’s attachment style by observing their response when their mother left the room. Children with secure attachment styles would reconnect with their mothers, while children with insecure attachment styles would get avoidant or upset.
As an adoptee, I learned over the years that what happened when I was young still greatly affects the way I live my life today. Someone can create a trust wound through childhood abandonment. While my parents brought me a loving home with care, the beginning of my childhood still left a mark, I am working through (more on this another time).
Reflection
We all have our strengths and weaknesses. It’s what makes us human. I think many men and women are trying to unpack what makes them who they are. I see this through the media and social platforms like TikTok and Instagram. We tend to have the same goal: to learn more about ourselves, to be better, and to love ourselves more. While this book isn’t the be-all and end-all of solutions, I think what’s more important is that through conversations, we can try to support each other through our journeys.
