What I Have Learned Since Last August — An ode to my first year in NYC
This time last year, I packed up my car and moved to my next home for the unseeable future, New York City. I have had many opportunities to move around over the last few years. I have always been able to pick up where I am and adapt to a new environment. I feel grateful for this ability and the moments and experiences I have endured. I am incredibly thankful for this move.
New York has challenged me, softened me, and reminded me of who I am as a person. It's allowed me to believe in myself again after feeling so trapped. I didn't know how to escape a pit clouded by self-hate, judgments, and misery. It's given me a chance to pause and listen again.
Here are some things I have taken away since last August:
About friendships - We know that romantic relationships can come and go, but we don't discuss the complexities of friendship dynamics. I think about the friendships that have fallen into our laps. The ones we have developed through school. Most of those friendships are circumstantial. We were at the right place right now. While some of those friendships have developed and remained deep in our hearts, as we age, we create different bonds, maybe even stronger ones, with people who might share similar interests or values. We might start connecting with people who inspire us and make us want to be better. I've learned it's okay to let go of friendships; not everyone will always feel as close as we want them to. I've also learned it's okay if others let go of you too.
About health - It's easy to take our health for granted. Something happens when you start to hit your mid-twenties. You go for the same run without stretching as much as you should, eat the same fast food you ate three years ago, and suddenly, you are having knee problems, and your stomach starts flaring up.
Many of us automatically think about physical health when we think about health. But what about our mental health? Yes, there are some things regarding health we cannot control, but there are many things we can control. We can control what we put into our bodies, routines, and habits.
I relate a lot of motivation to running. It has taught me that we can accomplish our goals with enough practice, determination, and vision. I have started to relate this to mental health. While I have been in and out of therapy, I have never truly committed to it for the long haul as I have done with running. I would do quick sprints and feel "better," but similar to running if you stop and put it to practice the way I have done with running. I have learned to stay committed to the things that make me feel good, to take care of my overall health.
About careers - Like everything, jobs change. It's okay to want something different. It doesn't make it better or worse than the person beside you. What you wanted as a little kid doesn't have to be what you want now. We all have different goals and aspirations in life.
About myself - Everyone who has gone or is going to therapy, including me, has returned with this sentiment, the longest relationship you'll have is with yourself. I learned the last two years; I didn't trust my decisions because I'm hard on myself. I would get stuck in my head and avoid making certain decisions. I would avoid making decisions by asking my friends for their opinions and feeling overwhelmed by their insight. While it's okay to lean on friends occasionally, it's important to trust your capabilities. But not making a decision is still a decision. It's important to know who you are and trust your abilities. I’ve learned to trust myself again.
I also learned to accept the parts of myself that I do enjoy. I used to feel bad about feeling emotional and being sentimental. I would feel foolish for keeping moments that reminded me of people and moments. I would feel childish for writing long cards or notes to my friends, something I have done for as long as I can remember. But I enjoy deeper conversations, listening to friends, family, and strangers about their passions and dreams, and that's a part of me I want to continue to carry with me.
About endings - I used to think everything needed to have an "ending.” It needed an overwhelming character arc where the girl moved somewhere new and realize what life is all about. But an ending doesn't have to mean it’s the start of something new. It can be a small part of a continued chapter.
About love - This time last year, I searched for answers from everyone willing to listen. I was investigating through every reread text, replayed memory, and every non-scholarly article I could relate to, digging for answers. I went everywhere, but at the present moment, I went to everyone but the person I needed to confront. The phrase goes, if they wanted to, they would. People say they would do everything possible to be that person for you. I disagree with that sentiment; it shows the partnership is reliant on only one person. I’ve learned to look inwards. I’ve learned if I wanted to, I would too.
About growth - Growth isn't linear, but you have to want it. I've learned that it looks different to everyone, and it can feel uncomfortable. It’s the understanding that you’re letting go of a version of yourself that you thought and knew to be true. It can be the outgrowing of people, places, ideas, and habits. It can be the acceptance that people come and go from your life and not take it personally. Everyone is going through their stuff and figuring it out along the way.
Things do usually turn out better than what we expect. I thought to feel whole again, I needed to complete this mental checklist. Nothing goes according to plan, but they can end up better than we imagine. If we keep an open mind to the possibilities and opportunities and stay present, even the darker days don't feel so hard to weather. I have learned change is inevitable; it's the one thing we can count on. I just need to embrace it openly.
